Bethany Hang Out

A lot of times I am distracted at mass because, being a ball of tangled neurological divergencies, sometimes it’s hard for me to be in a crowd of people. It’s also hard for me to focus almost all the time. How did I end up a contemplative? I guess because God can do whatever he wants and he is able to undiverge my brain when he wants? I feel guilty a lot though. OK, all the time, about my problem focusing especially at mass.

A few Sundays back mass was really crowded and I was standing in a little private area near the bathrooms and the entrance to the choir loft stairs, in an attempt to quiet my mind. This helped. But my mind was still going everywhere and sometimes I didn’t even notice it. When I did notice it I felt bad. I would say, “Oh. Sorry, Lord.” Especially during the consecration, I feel bad if I am not mentally tuned in. I said it again as the host was raised, “Oh. Sorry Lord. Dang.”

He broke into my thoughts. He seemed to say, “Why can’t you just be here?” I understood that to mean he wanted me to just be there at mass even if I was having trouble wrangling my mental states and thoughts. “Just be here.” It was like he showed how he saw me over there in my corner, without struggle, just me bringing myself to mass even with all the misdirected electrical impulses in my brain, just there to be with him. And I was. I was there to be with him. I don’t have to manufacture the right feelings and thoughts or try to get a perfect clear mind. I came to see Jesus. Apparently that was enough for him.

I remembered when I used to be a Eucharistic minister, I looked out as everyone coming up the line, and I thought how amazing it was that everyone had stopped what they were doing, changed into less comfortable clothes, rallied their families if they had them, got in the car and drove to mass just to be there. I bet that means a lot to Jesus, I remember thinking. And then I thought that no matter what kind of people I gave the Host to, no matter what mood they had been in before they came up for Communion, every one of them took the Eucharist with the face of a child. And that’s how Jesus sees us. He sees his children doing their best to be there with him and the Church family, gathered around his table. That’s it. I can do that.

That’s what we are all doing. “Just be here.” He just wants us.