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The holidays without them

A few days ago I was interviewed on local Catholic radio about loss and grief, my stories and relationships with my family and friends who have died, and how my faith figured into the journey.

One of the questions I was asked was whether I had any advice about handling the holidays. As you may know I lost my first husband in a car accident 25 years ago. Then, between 2012 and 2015 we lost four family members, all tragically. My second husband we lost to brain cancer. Six months later my mom, only 63, died of a combination of things; COPD, Lymphoma, untreated Lyme’s disease and dementia. My brother committed suicide in 2015 and my step dad died in a house fire four months later. These were the people we usually spent the holidays with.

Honestly we haven’t done well with holidays at all since all that, especially without my mom, the holiday queen (or shall we say dictator). We hardly ever had to do anything except bring a thing or two and stay out of her way, being unquestioningly obedient and obsequious to her requirements of us. These included No (more) practical jokes (that had been a major coup attempt to take over her iron fisted rule over the holidays) no disorder or chaos of any kind, and everyone cooperate peacefully and sing Christmas Carols whether we liked it or not.

We missed all of that after her death. We would never be able to cook like that (and for DAYS), set a beautiful Fiesta ware table like that, make flower arrangements ourselves from our own garden or provide the atmosphere she did. We would never do two Christmas trees; one artistic and one victorian style in different parts of the house, or line the sidewalk with luminares, or cover everything with color themed lights, or wrap the presents in themed artistically matching colors. Or be her. We could never be her. Nobody could. And nobody Could read The Grinch Who Stole Christmas like her. It only made us sad.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

So that first Thanksgiving without her we did something completely different. We had a chaotic Thanksgiving pot luck at my step brother’s house. It was loud with football on the TV the whole time and music playing and people in the band room banging the drums and everybody talking in every room. Lots of people people people.

My step brother has become more of a recluse since then. We don’t see much of him though there is no ill will and only deep affection between us. We keep in touch.

So pretty much we didn’t really do Thanksgiving. I mean not really. Sometimes we did very little and it depressed everyone even more. Other times we did nothing. It would just be my daughters and me and the babies.

At Christmas we did what we needed to do for the three kids but everyone kept it as simple and quiet as possible. It was hard not to get depressed. We usually did get depressed. I truly longed for Christmas to just be a religious feast day instead of all the other stuff on top of that.

Photo by Thgusstavo Santana on Pexels.com

Eventually we began to bring back some traditions we missed, like going around the table doing “wishes and gratefuls” on Thanksgiving. You say three things you are grateful for about the year. Then you wish the person sitting next to

you a year of whatever you see them needing or wanting. We brought that back. The kids come up with some pretty sweet and funny things to say too.

We brought back our old household tradition of leaving Santa cigarettes and beer on Christmas Eve. We know from experience that is what St. Nicholas is into. He left cigarette buts and beer cans all over the yard that time he set up a trampoline for the girls all those years ago. So we give him what he really wants.

But THIS year for the first time I am truly excited about the holidays. Because THIS year we have a HOUSE to have these events in! Our own HOUSE again. We have room for sitting at the table, to invite friends too, room in the kitchen for my daughters and I to cook together, a yard for the kids to play in. We don’t understand football at all but I want to put it on anyway. It will remind us of our men and we will just be comforted by it, not, I am hoping, sad. I think we may even be happy.

All of my mom’s Fiesta ware except a tea cup and a salt shaker were destroyed in the fire but I have been building a new collection. And we have SO much to be grateful for!

I plan to introduce some new traditions as well. We plan to light candles on the table for each of our beloved dead. Also when the girls were little we had poetry night and A.A. Milne night. On A.A. Milne night we would take turns reading from The World of Pooh and laugh and laugh. That stuff is hilarious. We continued that into their teens and laughed just as much.

And poetry night we could read one of our own poems or someone else’s we admired. We used to have a lot of fun with that.

We used to break into a family dance sometimes after dinner.

I’m thinking we could read aloud from The World of Pooh after Thanksgiving Dinner and then have a family dance.

On Christmas Eve last year I got the kids to memorize a poem each. It turned out really funny. (Especially the Shell Silverstein ones). I should start working with them earlier this time. But we can have poetry night again this Christmas. We will all do a poem!

There is even a yard for the kids to play in afterwards. I think it will be good.

Mom’s house was always filled with cigarette smoke on holidays because so many of us smoked. None of the smokers are with us anymore. But maybe we will light one up just to recreate the ambience.

I almost forgot we have a fire pit. So we can have a fire and my youngest can play guitar and we can sing our family song, Wish You We’re Here by Pink Floyd. 🙂

And any time my daughters and I are together we end up telling stories about the people we miss and what they used to do or say back then. We still miss them. But mostly we laugh.

And anyway, we know they are still here. They are probably laughing too. Even Mom. 😉

November 18, 2023 2

Texas, what the heck?

I have been puzzled by recent attempts by the Texas legislature to bring religion into the schools. What were our leaders expecting to accomplish by putting the Ten Commandments on classroom walls (this one failed) in public schools? (And anyway why not the Beatitudes?)

And now what do they want with putting chaplains in schools to do the mental health work that school counselors usually do? To save money? In that case what about having other religious leaders from other religions in as well? I haven’t heard anything about that so I don’t know.

If the chaplains at school idea fails (it went into effect September 1 but I anticipate problems) I expect there will be another way proposed to bring their version of Christianity into the public schools of Texas.

But what are they trying to do exactly?

Having been raised without religion during a time when prayer was allowed at school and commonly practiced, I can say that it was always uncomfortable for me, sometimes upsetting and often embarrassing. I used to hide under my desk sometimes- and get in trouble for that and for my lack of participation. I was in first grade but I felt very much like they were disrespecting my parents and what they believed in and how they wanted to raise us, though I don’t remember talking to my parents about this

Having religion forced on me by the school, and being consequently judged about my lack of it by the other kids and their parents too, kept me closed to any relationship with Jesus for years. So their actions seemed counter productive to me and manipulative too. What good does that kind of exposure to religion do God?

Why would God want anyone to come to him by fear or force? (And anyway how would that be possible)? I can’t imagine that he could possibly want that. The whole point of life with God is love. You can’t force love. How can anyone come to love God when God means empty conformity and the enforcement of rules?

And do our leaders actually think that there is no moral code outside the Ten Commandments? That nobody knows right from wrong if they don’t see them? I don’t know. They probably do think that.

I just can’t get my head around this.

Do they think that God approves of religion as a form of government control? What an insult to true faith that is. What kind of God does that “make” God (as if you can make God be or do anything)? Just as you can’t force love you certainly can’t force faith either.

Maybe they think the kids have never been exposed to the Ten Commandments? Maybe not. But how do they know? Anyway some of the Commandments sound very different to a secular person than they do to a religious person. Without love and understanding they can sound just mean. The part about coveting your neighbor’s possessions in which the neighbor’s wife is listed as a possession, I would not want a kid to read without explanation and some adjustment to the current understanding that women are not men’s property.

What are you trying to do Texas?

Do tell.

Because it looks like an insult to both God and to kids who are not religious or who are from religions other than Judaism or Christianity. My Catholic faith teaches me that we are to respect other religions and people. This is not it.

Jesus said to do unto others they way you would want them to do with you. Wouldn’t we freak out if the Eight Noble Truths of the Buddha or a list of Yogic principles of conduct were were being put on school walls? Or if an Imam were being sent in to do counseling at school?

Plenty of Christians would definitely be out protesting for religious liberty, demanding the Bible be displayed, our priests and preachers sent in as well. We would certainly object to religion being taught in classrooms then.

We’re not being good Christians by attempting force, exclusion and control when it comes to Jesus. I think he would hate that. Jesus wants us to choose him and love him for real and of our own free will. Right?

What are we doing here? What do we really think is going to happen?

I love you, Texas. You’re my home and my people.

But what are you trying to do? This is just crazy talk.

September 25, 2023 0

Triumph of the Cross

“The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears;
    I have not been rebellious,
    I have not turned away.
I offered my back to those who beat me,
    my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard;
I did not hide my face
    from mocking and spitting.
Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,
    I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint,
    and I know I will not be put to shame.”

(Isaiah 50:5-7)

Anyone can give intellectual assent to Christ’s existence, his nature and purpose. Anyone can quote Scripture. Satan did both of those things. When the devil tempted Jesus in the desert he quoted Scripture just fine. The demons exorcised by Jesus proclaimed his truth screaming, “You are the Christ the Som of God!” as they left the scene at his command.. So it isn’t enough to know the Bible or to acknowledge Jesus in order to belong to him. Following him, identifying with him, seeking unity with him, living as he did, loving him in all of his mystery, that is what being Christian is.

His triumph was all of the things that most confound the forces of hell: sacrifice, obedience, love, surrender, acceptance, humility, non-violence, abandonment to God, suffering and losing a fight in front of the whole world, and on purpose.

Even we don’t understand it unless we console ourselves that he was resurrected on the third day, which he was. But in that moment he died with trust and abandonment. He gave himself over and faced his enemies in silence.

This throws Satan, and sadly it throws us too.

Even we Christians hold a deep attachment to violence and revenge. We cannot let go of the exhilarating high of vainglorious triumph.

And yet the Beautiful One admonished us to take up our crosses and follow him.

I don’t think that is simply putting up with the hardships of life hoping for reward though I know that is part of it. I think we need to respond to the violent world as he did.

Turning the other cheek to me means, “I will not be turned back from love.” That kind of power can only come from God and we have to want it.

We have to renounce ourselves and follow Jesus. That’s how we find life and even find ourselves.

I haven’t gotten there yet. I have been there sometimes but it is not yet my home, my way of being. Not yet. I suppose that is how it is for most of us.

I still want to win. I want to win, I tell myself, for others; for the poor, for those on the margins, for immigrants. However, like anyone, my motivations are mixed. There is still a selfishness and pride in it. We all want to force things, to feel powerful. It is the effect of the fall of humanity in us.

The real battle we have is against ourselves, as St. Teresa of Avila says. And this is hard, she points out, “because we love ourselves very much.”

God gave us an innate sense of justice and right. There is nothing wrong with this. We go wrong when we stray from the Gospel. A line in the Oscar Romero movie, Romero got to me. St. Oscar said to a fellow priest and advocate for justice, who tried to talk him into joining the rebels with him on behalf of the suffering people of El Salvador, “If you do this you will lose God just as they [those he would take up arms against] have.” Whether these were St. Romero’s exact words or not it is an incredibly powerful statement. It rings utterly true. If we persist in our attachment to violence we will lose God. Nothing, absolutely nothing is worth that. And we will “lie down in torment.” (Isaiah 50:11)

I have read that some people are starting to complain to their pastors when they preach on the Beatitudes, that the preaching was too left leaning. When confronted with the fact that these are the words of Jesus Christ, they retort that this is outdated, doesn’t work, is “weak.” Look at us. We haven’t changed. The Cross, the Gospel, is still a scandal, still makes no sense.

However, When he was insulted, he returned no insult; when he suffered, he did not threaten; instead, he handed himself over to the one who judges justly. (1 Peter 2:23)

“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps” (1 Peter 2:21).

There is really no way around that.

Even those of us who know and accept the teachings of Jesus have parts of ourselves still attached to violence and our own ideas of justice. We still hope Jesus will clear the world of bad people on his return.. Not us though because we are nice people, right?

St. John of the Cross said that even if the only thing keeping a little bird tied to a tree branch is the thinnest of threads, the bird is still tethered, still not free.

We have to cut the thread.

On this Triumph of the Cross in 2023, in this era of mass shootings, unkindness and cruelty, and the promotion of a lack of compassion as a good thing by a significant portion of society, even by a good number of our fellow Christians, lets renounce violence in the Name of Christ, embracing instead the way of Jesus.

We can’t belong to the Christ of Revelation unless we belong to the Jesus of the Gospels with all that he showed us.

Thank God he is with us to help us with his endless grace.

He who has begun the work in us will complete it. (Philippians 1:6)

We have only to decide, every day, and trust that he will triumph in us.

“I have promised it and I will do it, says the Lord.” (Ezekiel 37:14b)

September 14, 2023 1

A ridiculous story

I forgot something in my post about what I did this summer. It’s just a ridiculous story. My life seems to be dotted with crazy stories involving animals. Here is another one.

My eldest daughter lives out in the country. She had a neighbor she was going to get me some chickens from. I like to raise them from chicks (it’s more fun) but I was open to it. I wouldn’t have to wait until spring this way. I requested hens only, all different colors so I could tell them apart and get to know them, and I asked for only four of them.

I wasn’t ready yet though. My daughter helped us move and at the end of the day offered to go pick up those chickens. I said I hadn’t had the chance to get a coop ready for them or anything. She said they had told her it’s today or never.

I don’t think sometimes so I said OK I would figure it out. I worked on it but there is just no rushing something like that. When she pulled up in her truck I was still excited to meet them though. Maire said, “Well these look like a different kind of chicken. And there are six of them. I was’t sure what to do so I went ahead and took them.”

They sure were loud. I looked in at them. They looked like turkeys and seemed almost as big. They looked at me and started screaming at me. I said, “These aren’t chickens.”

Maire said, “What do you want me to do? I can take them but the coyotes will get them for sure.” “I guess for the moment we can put them in the garage.” So we dragged the large dog crate they were banging around in, those crazy things, into the garage.

After she left I decided to try hanging out with them for a while and see what they were all about. I was trying not to be disappointed. Chickens are funny and endearing. These things were a little scary. I noticed one of them seemed slower and more hapless than the others. She kept getting separated from them and freaking out. The others had to call to her and find her. I started to worry because by my reckoning it was probably about 120 degrees in the garage. I couldn’t leave them in there. I thought of a truckload of chickens that broke down years ago and how all the chickens got too hot and died. Hundreds of them. I couldn’t risk that. I didn’t have a coop for them but my yard was fenced. So I decided to let them out where at least they wouldn’t die of heat.

To let them into the back yard they had to come through a room that probably used to be a back porch. We call it the sun room. The birds shot into the sun room screaming their heads off. I opened the back door and most of them ran out to the yard. That slow one got stuck in the shower somehow and was hitting the walls and screaming like a banshee flapping her wings. My dog was barking and the cats went streaking from the scene. I finally managed to catch her and get her to her friends outside.

I went out with them to see what happened. My dog was going berserk at the back door. They poked around for a minute, checking out the situation and then they all flew away.

I don’t know why I was shocked. Maybe because chickens can fly but not really. I rarely have had a chicken go over the fence. Trying to roost in the trees on a low branch, yes but just… leaving?

So I was shocked. How disloyal of them!

Admittedly we didn’t really know each other.

Well what now? Should I try to catch them? That did not seem possible. And where would I put them? I didn’t have a place for them anyway.

Then I thought, “Did any of the neighbors see this?” I didn’t think so. I hoped not. They would surely not be any too happy to have me as a new neighbor if they did.

I was worried about the not-chickens. One of ,my employers has a background in poultry science. So I asked him if they would be alright. He said they were guinea hens and ill suited for “urban life.” He said they were very loud and obnoxious. I could agree with that. He said even if I caught them they would just leave again unless I caged them which sounded like a sad life. Apparently they would be fine. We even live near a creek.

I found out they will eat squirrels and other rodents or any small animals. My boss said that if I had chickens they would have attacked them and eaten them. They sounded like real charmers.

I actually was impressed with their loyalty to each other, though, and their care for the slower membr of their group. Also they mate for life which is cool.

However none of that mattered because the situation with those things was completely out of my hands.

We saw them from time to time over the next several days walking along the road or in a neighbor’s yard. Something about this cracked us up.

Just when we thought they had moved on we would hear them in the trees next door screeching. Taking the trash out one night it sounded like one of them got separated from the others and was calling out. The others answered back from across the street, like “Is that you Mabel?”

This happened again another time and the whole gang ran single file down the alleyway looking ridiculous and sounding insane, to reunite with their friend.

I had to laugh as they went by like a gaggle of old ladies on the attack. But it is cool how they take care of each other.

My youngest daughter saw them all the way over at St. Joseph’s walking along a busy road seemingly arguing with one another.

In fact I saw them today already walking through our front yard. They’re still hanging around the area. Screaming.

Sometimes people drive by those goonie birds, laughing when they see them. I guess it’s a “what the heck!?” kind of laugh.

I hope they haven’t killed too many squirrels or carried off anybody’s chihuahua.

Yes I confess I have released a terrorist avian gang into my new neighborhood.

Sorry.

If you want to hear what they sound like I found a video on YouTube.

September 9, 2023 2

What I did this Summer

Brown and yellow leaves flutter to the ground from the trees outside my window; not because of the advent of autumn but from heat stress. This is common in Texas this time of year. However the heat has been relentless this summer. It wasn’t just triple digit heat now and then but every day every day every day every day. I would even say it was brutal. I’m content though. It’s been a great summer all the same.

My daughters traveled a lot but I didn’t. That means lots of extra child care has come my way. I would like the girls to settle down now, as much as I adore to distraction all three of my grandchildren, (ages 7, 6 and 4). However I am soon to have the boys for a few days. It should be both fun and exhausting.

A very consequential event this summer was the rescue of a box of abandoned puppies by my eldest daughter. Sadly one of them died at her house. After that my youngest daughter and I took the other two, both very ill. We did try to get them to the emergency room at the vet school here but they would not take them. They offered to euthanize them but we were unwilling. It was late at night so we took them home with us. For a couple of days I slept with both puppies cuddled up to me. The female was apparently blind, either from injury, illness or maybe she was born that way. Her eyes were a milky blue and she obviously saw nothing through them. The established dogs at my eldest daughter’s house kept attacking her. The remaining puppies clung to one another, often licking each other’s faces. They seemed much too young to have been taken from their mother. Before we could get them to a vet the female died. Her brother was so sad: lingering by the box where she had slept during the day.

At the vet we heard that the male puppy had little chance of survival. He didn’t have Parvo thank God but he was critical. Someone I know (thank you thank you) offered to pay his medical bills if we wanted to do the arduous work of bringing this mange covered, worm infested lethargic little boy back to health. We decided to try. We lived in a small already crowded upstairs apartment. We had four cats already. (Not really on purpose). We thought we would find him a home if he lived. He was a Great Pyrenees cross so we couldn’t imagine how we would manage a dog who had the potential to grow to an 150 pound animal.

He did live. In fact he just ran down the hall chasing one of the cats. We love him. He’s a joy. He is also enormous for a five month old puppy.

That’s no problem; we have room for him now however big he gets because…. I bought a HOUSE!

Now this is something I thought I would never be able to do again. I had tried to let the idea go. About a year before my brother committed suicide I had just sold my paid for house to go live in one he was to build on his land. After his death all of the money from the sale of my house had gone missing. It had been stolen out of my bank account. I’ll never know what happened to it.

Out of the blue my father and my step mom offered to give me enough money for a down payment on a house. They reasoned that since my dad and I are only 17 years apart we were nearly contemporaries. So when they left me money in their wills, when they died, I would be pretty old too. They decided the money would do me more good now. They were right about that.

After all that has happened this gift from my parents to make things right as best they could changed EVERYTHING. I cannot begin to tell you how healing it has been for them to do this for me. It feels wonderful. It’s a great experience of righteousness and mercy and love. Thanks Dad and M. Forever thanks.

This task of house shopping was daunting for me. I’m terrible at dealing with business type stuff. And I had never had to get a mortgage before or shop for houses. After the death of my first husband I was offered a settlement that provides me with a modest monthly income since his seat belt ripped out of the car when he crashed, causing his death. The settlement comprises the majority of my income and my jobs fill out the rest. I don’t know what we would have done without it. After I received that settlement I simply bought the rental house we were living in already. I raised my children there over 22 years.

The first thing I did with the down payment was try to buy my old house back. After feeling displaced for eight years, often living at other people’s houses or in apartments that didn’t feel permanent, and with my stuff still in storage, just going home sounded good. I have often wished myself back over the years. But it wasn’t to be. The current owners were willing to sell but the foundation had such severe damage that fixing it would cost more than the worth of the house. I couldn’t afford that. It nearly broke my heart. But not for long. God must be calling me to build a new life after all the losses. (We lost four family members between 2012 and 2015; all of them tragic traumatic losses and life has been upside down for us ever since).

So we started looking and dreaming. Then one day we walked into the right house. I knew it even the first moment the realtor let us in through the hot dark garage. It was the smell. It smelled like our old house. Turns out it was built almost the same year. and in a similar style. My daughter said it had “the vibe” of our old house. It did.

She said as soon as she saw the adorable kitchen and the shiplap walls she knew I was going to want this one.

If you have ever bought a house you know what a wild and stressful journey it is. But we got the house. And we’re here. And I can’t tell you how grateful I am every day. It’s been over a month and I’m still walking around smiling at everything. My granddaughter has her own room. She can play outside now because for the first time in her life she has a back yard. My grandchildren can play in the sprinkler. My dog can bark outside.

It won’t be long before I fill my little patch of earth with antique roses just as I did my old yard; tangled in the trees, hanging down in graceful strands from the branches. I plan to get a few chickens again in the spring. I don’t even eat eggs. I just like having chickens around. I can give the eggs to others. (Unfertilized don’t worry)! They will be much better than store eggs. Happy chicken eggs are the best by far. And these will be very happy chickens!

I am always finding new things to appreciate about this place. We named it for my book: Casa Maria. “Mary’s House. “

Thats another thing. I’ve been working on Spanish all summer with my youngest daughter. We have an app for it and friends we can practice with. My granddaughter finds it annoying when we talk in Spanish at home. She is a nosey Parker and wants to know everything we say. She should learn Spanish too then we tell her, if she wants to understand.

Another cool thing that happened was my book won an award from the Catholic Publishers’ Association. YAY! Third place in the category of prayer.

AND Our Sunday Visitor would like me to write another book. Yay! So I am working on a new book proposal. That means I am making a possible outline, and writing a prospective introduction as well as some samples of what it would be like. They haven’t decided yet whether they are into my topic. That takes time, lots of time. Meanwhile I mull it over constantly, always writing in my head.

And here we are. Happy Mother Mary’s Birthday! I am reading at mass for the first time today, and at our new church! My parish has built a new gorgeous gorgeous church. That’s another good thing that happened this summer.

It’s really been a good summer. So good it’s kind of freaking me out.

As I leave you all four cats; Frankie, Annie, Dia and Buttercup, Joey the Great Pyrenees mix and my older daughter’s little brown (pit bull I think) puppy named Doo-dah are all asleep in my room. The blinds are closed now because it’s hot as a pistol outside. Hotter maybe. Still I’m having some coffee and listening to jazz and I go to work in a bit.

Grace and peace to you,

Shawn

P.S. Reading at mass went fine. 🙂 So yay.

P.P.S. It’s 108 outside today.

September 8, 2023 5

Mary of Bethany; an oil poured out

July 29 is the feast of Sts. Martha, Mary and Lazarus, the siblings of Bethany. Bethany was a little village not far from Jerusalem. It seems to have been Jesus’ favorite stop on his journeys, his home away from home. Apparently these three friends were great company, and supportive of his mission. They had a house big enough for his travel companions, the food was great and Martha, Mary and Lazarus were always eager to be caught up on the latest adventures of Jesus and his itinerant followers.

Martha and Lazarus’ sister Mary has been conflated with St. Mary Magdalene since the Middle Ages and this impression continued for centuries in Christian hagiography and art. Modern Biblical scholarship and a pronouncement of Pope Paul VI put an end to that mix up. St. Mary Magdalen continues to be celebrated on July 22, and Mary of Bethany joined her brother and sister as her own person.

This leaves us with three Gospel stories of St. Mary of Bethany.

At the feet of Jesus (Luke 10:38-42)

Poor Martha is hosting all by herself, running ragged, resentful and starting to bang the pots and pans in the kitchen. Finally she decides to get her feelings out. She unburdens her heart right to Jesus. Isn’t that what we should do? Maybe not in front of the company, granted, but we should lay out burdens before him and be honest with him. He knows what’s inside us anyway.

I like to think the Lord’s answer gave Martha peace. All the times Jesus has straightened me out when I was wrong or off course I have felt instant peace. Whether what he asked of me was easy or unpleasant I felt peace and that’s how I knew he was speaking. It seems Martha had taken on more than she was required to. I have taken on tasks and responsibilities God was not asking me to and the first symptom I have is usually exhaustion followed by resentment and self righteousness. Eventually there will be an outburst. I hope Martha felt unbound and freed by what Jesus said to her.

It’s easy to see Mary feeling affirmed and freed, protected and understood by Jesus’ defense of her. I recently read that the way she is sitting at Jesus’ feet listening to his teaching would have been controversial in her time and culture. It was something a disciple did. Rabbis weren’t supposed to have female disciples. The study of Torah and the pursuit of knowledge was for men only. By sitting at Jesus’ feet as his student she was being quite bold and acting as an equal to the men. Jesus affirms her in this, allowing her to keep the place she has chosen.

Of course we also see Mary of Bethany here as a beautiful model for Christian contemplatives. She is deeply attentive to Jesus, looking at his face, internalizing all that he says, pondering in her heart.

During a skit of this scene we acted out as a family my then four year-old daughter Maire had Mary get up, offer to take over the host duties, and invite Martha to take a turn at Jesus’ feet. I like that a lot. Maybe it was that way.

Mourning Lazarus John (11:1–45)

Lazarus fell ill. His sisters cared for him and prayed over him, waiting for Jesus to come and heal him. They knew he could save their brother. They sent an urgent message. Mary would have sat by her brother’s bed keeping vigil, offering him her gift of profound presence and connection. Martha would have changed his blankets, kept a wet rag on his head, brewed medicinal teas, asked advice from the wise, sent for doctors, made favorite dishes she hoped he would eat. Sometimes they would have had to switch places and learn the other one’s ways of loving and serving.

Jesus never comes, though they keep a lamp burning for him through every night in hopes he will. Every footfall outside, every stirring they hear they think perhaps it is Jesus or at least a message from him. They don’t understand. Why doesn’t he come? Why doesn’t he respond?

Lazarus’ illness becomes imminently life threatening, their anxiety for him so intense, neither of them sleeps at all. They hold him in his struggle for breath and as life ebbs away.

They try to comfort one another. They ask each other, “Why did Jesus never come?”

They wash and anoint his body with the women of their family winding him in scented burial cloths to bury him in their family tomb.

The house is full of family friends and neighbors sitting shiva with them. https://www.shiva.com/learning-center/sitting-shiva

Finally Jesus shows. Martha as we have seen her do before, makes her thoughts and feelings known to him. She confronts Jesus while at the same time expressing her faith in him. She knows he could have saved her brother as he has saved so many others. She also has come to know and believe he is the Messiah and Son of God, just as Peter had also done and she says so. “Even now,” Martha says hopefully, “I believe.”

She runs to get her sister who is in the house with all the mourners and tells her Jesus is here and asking for her.

It’s when Jesus sees Mary’s tears that he cries too. This is important to me, to all of us. Yes for some reason Jesus does allow bad things to happen to us. At the same time, as Madeleine Le’Engle says, everything that happens to us happens to God too.

Mary also confronts Jesus, falling at his feet, her movement a desperate plea of prostate grief.

He doesn’t ask Mary for a declaration of faith. Maybe he knew she had it in abundance already. He only responds with his tears and his actions. He gives her her brother back alive.

Anointing Jesus (John 12:1-8)

This is the beautiful story that captures the imagination so powerfully; Mary of Bethany interrupts dinner, unbinding her hair, carrying in an alabastron of outrageously expensive perfume worth a year’s wages.

Since she seems to have been unmarried (as she is living at home) perhaps it had been meant for her dowry. To me this brings out an extra meaning. Perhaps she intended never to marry and to fully dedicate her life to Jesus, pouring out her love and devotion to him alone.

Her contemplative nature, her attentiveness and connection to Jesus lead her to anticipate his death; the only one of his followers who understood that it was imminent, and maybe even what his death would mean.

With compassion she comes to acknowledge both what he is about to endure and what he means to her.

Have you ever smelled spikenard, aka nard? It is not a floral scent but a sharp, pungent smell. It would have filled the whole house and the scent would have lingered for days and days in every room and on both Jesus and on her hair.

The others at the table were offended at her extravagance, saying the nard could have been sold and used to feed the poor. Jesus defends her. We will always be able to help the poor but we would not always have him. “She has done a beautiful thing for me.” She dries his feet with her hair.

Women’s hair was supposed to be covered in public and especially in the presence of men who were not their husbands. Here our Mary of Bethany unveils and not only that dries the feet of Jesus with her hair. I wonder what those present would have made of that?

I’m thinking of the spiritual marriage written about and experienced by the great mystics of our faith such as Sts. Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Rose of Lima, Catherine of Sienna among others, in which the soul becomes one with God. Maybe Mary of Bethany was experiencing this or had. Maybe this bold and lavish gesture was her response, her understanding of his destiny born of that union and love.

Wouldn’t you love to be able to comfort Jesus with your compassion and love? To do something that is deeply meaningful for him? To pour out your love diffusing its fragrance through all his house, to smell it on your hair for days to remind you, knowing he also carried it? To remember his words, that you had done a beautiful thing for him?

We can. When we love, when we serve, when we pray like an oil poured out to the One we love.

Your anointing oils are fragrant;

your name is oil poured out;

therefore maidens love you.

Song of Songs 1:3

July 27, 2023 0

Our Lady of Guadalupe at the Walmart Memorial in El Paso

The shooter was sentenced to 99 life sentences this week.

Bethany Hang Out

Fifteen or more years ago I had a dream that is still vivid to me now. I was in a small, dimly lit church where the early arrivals were just sitting down before mass. Near the altar there was a large terra cotta colored relief of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I was standing in the aisle gazing at this rendering of Our Lady and it started to become beautifully colorful. A man in the pews to my right started complaining about the image and saying there were too many (*racial slur*) around here already and the image should be removed. He continued to complain about dark skinned people being in the church and “taking over.” I was extremely upset of course and started begging him not to say things like that especially in the church. As I continued to try to persuade him, the corner of Mary’s dress began to…

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July 9, 2023 2

St. Maria Goretti; a different take

July 6 is the feast of St. Maria Goretti, a Saint I love very much.

Loving her was not immediate for me. My appreciation of her has been more of a journey. I had to take a prayerful look at her life and my own life too. She became a good friend and has always been there for me.

As a survivor of child rape the way her story has most often been interpreted is disturbing to me. Holding her up to young people as a “model of purity” does not fit out current understanding of the dynamics of sexual abuse. I often read she “resisted a challenge to her purity.” She was eleven. She did not want to be raped. No one does. Abuse is not the child’s choice or fault. We know that though usually that is not how the child feels. Those feelings are hard to get over and can last a lifetime. Saying she was pure because she managed not to be raped and was murdered… instead? Can sound twisted to us survivors and not only to us, to anyone who knows much about these things.

Maria had survived the death of her father. Her mother had to go out and work the fields by herself. They had to share a house with another family. The other family had a disturbed young adult son. Maria had to take care of the house and the younger children. She was very gentle and kind. The young man thought she would be silent about his advances (most children are) and he was right. He thought she could be cowed into doing what he wanted. He was wrong. It’s not that I’m not proud of her for resisting, and for the way her thoughts even in those moments were on God. It’s amazing. She tried to persuade him with concern for his soul. He was angry with her for this and certainly for her noncooperation. So he murdered her, stabbing her fourteen times.

At the hospital her priest asked if she forgave her killer. She said she did. A lot of us are asked to forgive our abusers. It’s inappropriate for someone to ask that of us. I understand she was dying but that still bothers me. So many of us are asked to do this so we don’t make other people uncomfortable or mess up the status quo. So we are expected to carry the load alone so nobody has to deal with the relational and systemic consequences of us telling the truth. So I don’t like that he asked her that.

Later she appears to her killer in prison with fourteen lilies, one for each of her wounds. I love this. I love it because it shows that she did have the wounds. They are real and have meaning. He is confronted with that truth. However in Heaven her wounds are transformed and can become a gift to transform others; even the one who did the wounding. And he is transformed. He is converted and joins a monastery. He testified in the investigation for her cause of sainthood.

Something that moves me is that when she was exhumed her body was (and still is) incorrupt. Like Snow White she lies in a glass casket now. People come and pray and look at her.

What is God saying by this?

St. Eulogius wrote to St. Flora when she was about to be sent as punishment for being a Christian into a brothel, that even if her body was violated, her soul would remain pure. When I read about that I was very struck by it and I have remembered it for years. Abuse survivors don’t feel pure. We feel gross. I felt deeply flawed and somehow dirty all through childhood. It has taken years of work not to feel intense shame all the time. The idea and the trust that my soul is still pure regardless was profound for me.

I am sure that St. Maria felt violated by what happened to her. She was groomed and sexually propositioned at eleven years old. She was afraid of that man. That is already not OK. Just because he didn’t succeed in penetrating her doesn’t mean what she endured was not a sexual assault. He assumed like the “incels” of today that he was entitled to the bodies of women and girls, that they owed him access. He didn’t see her as a person deserving dignity and sexual autonomy. Her refusals enraged him and he brutally murdered her.

And that beautiful girl found healing in the arms of Jesus. She had been extremely devout. The love she always had with God carried her to Heaven and she was given the work of healing, real healing where the truth is brought to light and with God’s touch becomes a light for others.

He left her little body free of corruption to reveal to us the beauty of her bright soul treasured and healed in his heart, in his light.

Yes she is pure. She was always pure whether a man sexually assaulted her or not. Her body is holy and precious to God. He wants to show her to us. He wants us to know.

The pure of heart shall see God.

July 6, 2023 3

Mary’s life of letting go

Today’s Gospel (Mt 10:37-42) made me think of how Mary constantly let her own plans go in order to embrace what God was asking of her. She did this over and over. “Whoever loves (fill in the blank) more than me is not worthy to be my disciple. Whoever does not take up her cross and come after me is not worthy to be my disciple. Whoever finds his life will lose it. Whoever loses his life with find it.” At the Annunciation Mary whole heartedly accepted a surprising and sudden radical change in the course of her life. She continued to do this again and again throughout her ministry as the Mother of Jesus and Mother of the Church. She even accepted and offered to God the brutal death of her Son. She let him go at the Ascension. She left home and family to join the community of believers. She left all she knew again to go with John the Apostle to Ephesus. Again and again she let go and accepted change and loss for the sake of the Kingdom. So if you feel like there is a sign on your life that says “EVERYTHING MUST GO!” Remember Mary’s beautiful crown of stars. Remember that. Because you’re getting one too! 💫