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Unifying Science and Hope in The Martian


By guest blogger, Roise Manning (my youngest daughter)

Funnily enough, watching The Martian has shaped how I think about science in a deep, personal way. There’s something uniquely inspiring about Mark Watney, a man left behind on Mars, completely alone, with the world assuming he’s dead. He doesn’t give up. Instead, he leans on what he knows. He’s a botanist, not an action hero, but he starts solving one problem at a time. How to make water, grow food. How to modify a rover that wasn’t meant to go very far. How to get in contact with NASA, then how to communicate with them. It’s not flashy, it’s survival through science. And more than that, it’s survival through hope.

What moves me most is how he gives himself hope by trusting his knowledge, his training, his ability to think critically, and how to manipulate what resources he does have to survive. That kind of inner resilience feels like the heart of science: believing that the world is knowable, that problems have solutions, and that knowledge (even imperfect knowledge) is power. Watney doesn’t wait for someone to save him. He builds his own way forward, one equation, one experiment, one small decision at a time. When I’m feeling hopeless in today’s climate, like I just can’t take it anymore, I rewatch this movie. I always get chills when he looks around after taking a shower and getting the glass out of his abdomen and says, “I’m not going to die here.”

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The whole world begins to root for him. China gives NASA a device they had been keeping secret in order to help them get him food, until a young astrophysicist at NASA comes up with an entirely new idea for how to bring Watney home. He’s not part of the leadership, he’s not a veteran engineer, he’s just a kid. He works through the math, tests it, brings it to the top, and ultimately turns NASA on their heads. And that idea, built around using China’s booster, ends up being the turning point that makes the rescue possible. That moment drives home how science is collaborative, and how progress often comes from unexpected places.

In the end, the entire world, every single country, is listening in to his crew’s dialogue. When the Commander says “We got him!” The screen shows everyone in the whole world jumping up and down, crying, hugging, and I just get this burst of hope and togetherness.

That story reshapes what I think it means to explain something in science. It’s not just identifying causes or finding the “right” answer. It’s about making sense of the unknown by drawing on what we do know. It’s about unifying past experiences and theories, leading us to a path through uncertainty. I used to think science was mostly about answers, but now I see it’s just as much about process. How we think, how we question, how we adapt, and how we use what we have.

I find myself especially drawn to the idea of unification, the way science pulls together knowledge from different fields to create something greater. In The Martian, botany, chemistry, physics, and engineering all come together to keep one person alive. And in real life, it’s the same: science isn’t just a subject; it’s a way of seeing and solving problems that connects everything.

This understanding of explanation gives science a deeper purpose to me. It’s not only a method for discovery, but it’s a mindset of persistence and possibility. It tells us that even when things seem impossible, there is a way forward. Maybe not right away. Maybe not perfectly. But step by step, with the right tools and mindset, we can make sense of the unknown…and survive it.

At the end of the movie, Watney is teaching a group of students, and he breaks it down perfectly. He says, “You solve one problem, and then the next, and then the next. And if you solve enough problems, you get to come home.” He reminds them that when you’re in space, you have to think on your feet, as space does not cooperate.

“Something WILL go south.”

So what are YOU going to do? What are you going to do with your knowledge, and the things at your disposal? 

The Prophet Elijah: A Model for Holy Activism

I dreamed about the Prophet Elijah a couple weeks ago. We were sitting on a mountainside talking.The conversation we had is lost to me for the most part.  It seemed significant that I dreamed of him. In the time following,  I re-read the stories of Elijah’s life in Scripture. 

*You can find these in 1 Kings chapters 17-19, and 21,   

2 Kings Chapters 1-2, and in Sirach 48:1-11.

The pattern of his life that stood out to me as I read and reflected, is the path of the holy activist. 

Elijah embodies the prophetic response to times of upheaval and injustice. He is an icon of a prophet arising in a time of darkness, burning like a torch.  He spoke truth to power, confronted corruption, and defended the vulnerable. He drew his strength and inspiration from God as he served the hungry, healed the sick, and returned to a hostile land he had run in fear from. Sometimes he was afraid for his life, frustrated, burned out. Then he charged back into the fray, blazing, lit by God’s transforming love. Elijah’s life is a map lighting the path of the holy activist. 

Elijah confronted corrupt leaders 

King Ahab and Queen Jezebel were horrible, shameless, lawless people. They were greedy, murderous, corrupt idolaters and false accusers leading the people into apostasy. Elijah confronted them several times over killing the prophets and destroying God’s altars, taking from and murdering the poor, warning of consequences to come. 

During one of his confrontations with Ahab, the king called Elijah his enemy, blaming him for causing trouble. This happens a lot to anyone who speaks up against wrongdoing.  Elijah doesn’t care what the King says. He contradicts him briefly, undeterred. He doesn’t  let himself be drawn into argument. He delivers God’s message with its warning and walks away, leaving the results in God’s hands.

If you have to call out corruption or injustice, remember to detach from what happens after you have spoken. You can do your part and the rest is up to the hearers to choose how to respond. 

Elijah spoke truth to power

Baal, a pagan god whose worship included child sacrifice, was popular at the time just as destructive ideologies have so much sway now.  Elijah was the only prophet of the God of Israel left and the Queen was trying to kill him as well. Sometimes we have to speak the truth at great risk. 

Elijah called the priests of Baal to meet him for a duel between their false god and the true God of Israel. The prophet of God stands alone against 450 priests of Baal  and before his own people who had gone over to them. He trusted God to act. Dramatically and miraculously, God came through, sending fire from Heaven to consume Elijah’s sacrifice. 

God will give us everything we need to do as he asks; to stand up and speak out even if we are all alone in doing so, he is with us. 

Elijah made use of humor 

I want to add that Elijah made fun of the prophets of Baal as they called to their false god.  He taunted them sarcastically about whether their god was sleeping, or deaf or busy. “Maybe you should yell a little louder.” 

Making fun of the powerful can be a good thing at times like these so we aren’t overcome by fear or hopelessness. Those late night comedians keep me going sometimes. I’m all for it. After all, Elijah ends up slaying the false prophets and there are more ways than one to slay. 

So if you can, find ways to laugh. Bring the powerful down to size with humor. 

Elijah served the needy with faith and compassion

After a time of frustration and even despair, God sends Elijah on a journey to help a poor widow and her son who are on the brink of starvation. 

 By the prophet’s prayers and the woman’s trust,  her oil jug never runs dry and her flour jar never runs out of flour until the famine is over. 

Elijah prayed over her son when he fell ill and died while he was there, which brought the child back to life. Elijah shows himself to be a man of profound compassion and faith. His service to the widow renews him and helps him grow. 

If you’re freaking out, an act of kindness or service will help your perspective and give you peace. 

Defending the poor and oppressed

King Ahab and Queen Jezebel conspired to take the ancestral land of a man named Naboth after he refused to sell. It was already against Jewish law to press someone to sell their family land. Then Jezebel arranged false accusations against Naboth because of which he was executed. Then the King took over the man’s land. Naboth stands for all of the poor who suffer injustice and oppression,  from the greed of the rich and powerful, from unjust systems. 

Always defend the poor and oppressed and be sure that even if you don’t think you succeed in doing so, God will, either now or in the future. 

Being guided by God, motivated by love 

One of the times Elijah was in hiding, God asked him, “Elijah, what are you doing?” Elijah pours out his heart to the Lord. He tells him how scared he is with the Queen trying to have him killed. Then he tells God of his burning, intense love for him, which is the spark of his zeal. This is what it means to be a holy activist. Our inspiration, our strength, our courage to confront people in power, our compassion, our hunger and thirst for righteousness, are all from God. 

Now and then it’s important for an activist of faith to do some soul searching with God. What are you doing? Why are you doing it? Is God with you on this? 

Elijah experienced burnout and renewal

Twice in Elijah’s life story, we see him in hiding, scared and frustrated, overwhelmed to the point he wants to die and asks God to let him. He suffers from exhaustion, fear, frustration and self doubt. Twice God comes to him like a gentle parent, giving him bread, telling him to drink some water and have something to eat. Elijah rests, gets some sleep, and is fed by God until he is ready for a new mission, and sets out restored and reassured. 

If you’re overwhelmed or burned out, let God care for you for a while. Rest, get extra sleep, until you’re ready and receive new guidance.

Elijah encounters God profoundly

God calls Elijah to the mouth of the cave he has been staying in, and invites him to experience him passing by. There is a mighty wind, but the wind is not God. There is an earthquake but neither is this God. When Elijah hears a “still, small voice” within himself, in a gesture of reverence as he covers his face with his cloak, recognizing the presence of the Lord. 

Draw from the Source of all life, and practice attentiveness to God’s presence at all times. You will grow exponentially in love, strength and compassion, reflecting the Lord you love and listen to. 

Elijah mentored the next generation to take on the work

An important part of activism is  handing on the spirit of the work to the next generation. Elijah,  after training Elisha at his side, grants him a double portion of his spirit before he is taken up to heaven.  Elisha takes the mantle of his mentor over his shoulders, going on to do the great work of a prophet. 

Whatever form of activism or mission you are involved in, always take time to talk to interested young people and pass on your wisdom and experience.

I’ve been so worried about so many things going on in our country, in our world. Maybe you have been too. Let us look to the Prophet Elijah to light our way, asking him for a double portion of his spirit, praying for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out. * from the 11th Step of AA

“The lord lives! I am standing in his presence.”

*Antiphon from the Carmelite proper, feast of Elijah the Prophet, July 20 

Take refuge in prayer and service on Inauguration Day

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This post is for those of us for whom the 2025 Inauguration of our incoming president will be a day of grief, or at least a difficult day.

I am very very sad for my country too and worried as well as I have said before. I am horrified by the ugliness and hate this administration is already unleashing into society – bringing out the worst in all of us.

Here are my survival plans for January 20.

I am not watching the inauguration, not in any way. In fact I’m not listening to the news at all that day. Spiritual reading or audio book sounds a lot better.

I plan to celebrate MLK whose day it is. I can do this by being grateful for him, by posting about him, by reading some of his writings, by talking about him with my family, especially with my grandchildren. Locally we have an MLK day March that because of weather will be a caravan this year. We plan to join it.

If you’re home for the MLK holiday then you can make this a mini retreat day for yourself to recharge and put on the armor of God

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“Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

Ephesians 6:11-17

Pray. Because when we pray we are truly putting more love into the world , in whatever way we choose to pray. If we pray with love and attentiveness God will work through us in secret and powerful ways; our soul becomes a door of grace for the movement of divine love into this world. We don’t have to say anything. We only bring ourselves to God with an open heart. He will only do what is right.

So pray in whatever way you can. Pray as much as you can.

I plan to dedicate my actions that day and any suffering I feel or any happiness, all my thoughts words and experiences of the day, to the cause of truth and justice and right. God knows what those truly are so I don’t even have to be specific.

Next, make this a day of service. Do a good deed. Make a connection with someone. You can pick up trash in your neighborhood. Perform a random act of kindness. Volunteer at a local charity. Spend some time really listening to a child and let them lead the conversation or the activity of their choice. Kids remember things like that. Do someone else’s chores. Pay it forward at a drive through. Give someone flowers. Ask a homeless person how they are. You know what to do.


I also think at least for that day Philippians 4:8 has excellent advice for what to keep in mind. I’m going to try to master my thoughts and put that verse into action.

“Finally, brothers, sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Philippians 4:8


I plan to listen to beautiful music and also to take refuge in poetry. I’ve been reading a lot of poetry lately.

Make good use of that dark day of worry fear and grief. Make it something beautiful for God and for others, for yourself.

It’s like putting flowers in guns I think. Only these flowers are able to bring about the change they represent.

This is it y’all. Let’s prepare ourselves with prayer, with beauty, with acts of service, with peace. That’s our real refuge.


Accept in order to Resist

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I, like many, have been struggling with acceptance since Nov. 5th. Ive been thinking HOW are we, how am I, going to make it through this? I’ve made some plans, thought of some things to do to assist others who will be most affected. But I realized that one thing that could help is acceptance. It sounds obvious but sometimes it takes me a while to realize that I am in non- acceptance – which is the most painful, sticky place to be. If stuck in a glue trap or a spiders web, struggle only impedes escape. I – and we- have a lot of work to do, a lot coming that we will have to deal with. If you are familiar with AA and Al-Anon maybe you will recognize this:

“The level of my Serenity is directly proportional to the level of my acceptance.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, The Big Book

We should not accept what is evil, thats not what I’m saying. But for me it’s been hard to accept that this is where we are. Trump is here along with his clown car of malignant crazies. Yes they are cruel and destructive and authoritarian, racist, “Christian” nationalist, anti planet, sexist -etcetera etcetera, everything horrible. They are. But until I can quit being shocked every day by the awful things they say and do I can’t be very useful and I certainly will be emotionally drained. I’m chuckling a little thinking of how the Twelve Steps of AA would sound applied to Trump but maybe the idea of acceptance and sorting out areas of powerlessness from areas of responsibility and possibility is a pretty good idea.

Sometimes I listen to a spiritual speaker named Tara Brach. She is Buddhist but her talks can apply to anyone. She talks about having a heart ready for anything. To have that you need acceptance of the fact of what’s here. This is here. It “belongs” so to speak. Here we are. Am I going to go into this kicking and screaming? Or can I relax and untangle the web, roll out of the glue trap, and be open to what the Spirit is asking of me in these times ? I suspect there will be many glue trap days. But I can return to the first three steps of the twelve:

  1. That I am powerless over the fact that for the next four years this is our government, yes, of madmen. Here they are. And I admit that my inner life has become unmanageable because of my reaction to this fact.
  2. I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
  3. I become willing to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him.

I think the 11th step is a big part of this too: I seek “through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry it out.”

I do think intercessory prayer is going to be extremely important in what we are about to encounter. So I’m adding that of course, to my 11th step plans.

Sometimes the only way out is through. So let’s go through. And let’s do it with love.

And let’s remember this is also the Jubilee Year of Hope and we are Pilgrims of Hope.

Hate did not win. Love has not died. It never will. And we belong to love. Lies cannot become truth. They never will. And we belong to truth. Our country has not been overcome by darkness. Because our country has us.

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Healing Spirituality After Trauma: Finding God Again

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if you’re dealing with a profound loss, the after effects of tragedy or post traumatic stress you may be feeling spiritually dead. Maybe you think you’ve lost your faith or that God has left you. It may be helpful for you  to know there are neurological reasons for this apparent loss of your spiritual senses. 

When there is a traumatic event or a terrible loss in our lives, our brains are actually affected. Trauma can disrupt the brain’s ability to process spiritual experiences by affecting its  prefrontal cortex, amygdala, hippocampus, and  temporal lobes. These areas are also involved in emotional regulation, memory, and our sense of self, even our feeling of connection with something greater than ourselves. Dysfunction in these regions can lead to a disconcerting loss of  or distortion in a person’s spiritual life.  It’s difficult for us to feel God with us, or to reach the peace we used to find in prayer and the practice of our faith. 

The prefrontal cortex is responsible for self-reflection and focus.  It helps us in practices like contemplative prayer and meditation by supporting awareness and attention. When this part of the brain is dealing with trauma we can’t seem to relax. We may feel void of any spirituality at all. Even the sacraments we believe in feel oddly empty as if we are merely spectators.  Everything may seem meaningless to us now because the brain is preoccupied with stress and survival due to its injuries from trauma. 

The amygdala and hippocampus process emotions, especially fear and joy. It gives us a sense of our life stories, of our own history. Spiritual experiences often evoke intense emotions and build on a relationship with God that we have developed over time. Trauma can even shrink the hippocampus . It may be hard to remember the love we once knew with God. Without this memory of the lived experience of God’s love and mercy, it’s hard to trust the Lord or that he is still there at all. 

With post traumatic stress the amygdala  becomes hyperactive, keeping our brains in a state of fear and hypervigilance. We might also feel emotionally overwhelmed and dysregulated making daily life difficult let alone communion with God. 

The temporal lobes of the brain are associated with mystical experiences, and our perception of religious imagery. They also help us integrate our sensory experiences in life  into spiritual meaning. Sustaining trauma can cause either overactivation or underactivation of the temporal lobes. This can lead to either intense visions or else fear-based religious thoughts. On the other hand, we may feel emotionally and spiritually blank. Where is God? 

“God my God, why have you forsaken  me?” Mark 15:33-34

Our anterior  cingulate cortex helps us feel empathy and compassion. It’s also involved in the regulation of emotions and our sense of the Divine.The damage of  trauma can impair   the ACC. We may feel lost, cut off emotionally from our friends. We feel empty and alienated from people and God. 

“Friend and neighbor you have taken away. 

 My one companion is darkness.” Ps. 88:18

The insula processes sensations and emotions, contributing to a sense of the nearness of God or a feeling of transcendence during prayer or meditation.Trauma can impair the functioning of the insula leading to either low body awareness or too much of it. We can feel a strange detachment from our bodies, unaware of even our physical needs.  Conversely  we may be overwhelmed by physical sensations, making it hard to relax or focus when we want to pray. 

The good news is that contemplative prayer and meditation have been shown to be healing and even restorative to these  areas of the brain impaired by trauma. Interior prayer practices and meditation can calm the amygdala, improve prefrontal cortex regulation, and enhance the connectivity of the ACC and insula, restoring emotional balance and renewing our sense of connection.

It means a lot to me that Jesus experienced trauma and that he allowed  himself to descend  into the depths of the abyss of abandonment when he cried out from the cross his desolation.

 St. John of the Cross taught about the “Dark Night of the Soul,” a phase of the spiritual life of many Christian contemplatives and mystics, which seems to have similar effects as trauma does on our prayer life.  St. John of the Cross wrote  that “in the dark night of the soul, bright flows the river of God.” He teaches us that God is nearer than ever before at times we feel he is farthest away. He says to go on “naked faith” and not to give up. 

I have found it true that “God is close to the broken hearted, those whose spirit is crushed he will save.” (Psalm 34:18) 

So if you are grieving a tragedy, experiencing trauma or post traumatic stress, and your’re having trouble with spirituality as a result don’t  blame yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong. Nor have you lost God. 

We know Mary and Joseph were holy and faithful people but they still lost Jesus for three days. Maybe you feel bereft but he is still there in the temple of your heart and you will find him again just as they did. 

It’s ok to pray in ways you can handle. Don’t hold yourself to what you used to do. For me emotional overwhelm kept me from deeper methods of prayer after a tragedy in my life. I talked to Jesus about it. I told him, “I still love you. I just need you not to come so close for now. Can you sit farther away but still nearby?” So he sat with me but not too close. I chose what felt to me a less personal or emotional method of prayer.  I memorized psalms, set prayers or passages from the mystics I love like St. Teresa of Avila and  Julian of Norwich. When I could handle it I sat quietly and slowly went over them in my mind as a form of prayer/meditation. Other times all I could do was hold my rosary.  These things slowly began to bring me peace again. 

My friend Jim had said “the devil  will try to kick you when you’re down and darkness tries to overwhelm you at times like this so keep doing the things that are of light: the rosary, going to mass, whatever you can do.” He said that would keep my lamp alight no matter what I was going through. He was right. 

And after all: 

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5 

Cookies in spirit

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Something Zane loved to do was make cookies. This is something we did nearly every day. I used to hold his hand to help him crack an egg and make sound effects for him. He liked that. He used to try to eat the butter and show his enthusiasm for our baking activity by mouthing the bowl. His very favorite part was pouring the mix into the bowl. I used to say, “Here comes your favorite part!” I bought the same cookie mix today and I’m in my kitchen making cookies in spirit with Zane, smiling and chuckling at the parts of our process that I remember.

Well. my granddaughter will be happy and surprised to see cookies when she gets home from school.

  • Zane was a young nonverbal autistic guy with cerebral palsy that I took care of for the last four years of his life. He died at 20 years old on August 22.

Exaltation of the Cross

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Triumph of the Cross is today. It sounds like “ha ha what a win” but I never think of it that way. I think of intense love, non-violence, humility, sacrifice in the face of indifference, cruel efficiency, fear and profound misunderstanding. The death of the Lord confused Satan a lot because it was something he would never do. He waited for Jesus to come down from the cross and be a lion, challenge him to a fight or a match of wills, anything. I think he even wondered what was wrong with these people around Jesus who either ran away or merely stood by. He had no understanding of love. He is a powerful super intelligent being but humility, love and sacrifice, forgiveness he can’t understand at all. In that moment I don’t think he understood anything. Neither did most people. It’s still a bit of a problem for us, especially the take up YOUR cross part. It’s a big big ask. Only the One who really did that can help us to do such a thing and find the flowers in it. So we have to ask him all the time for that.

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Decisions. I hate those things.

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I have been rather dysfunctional lately. I go to work (I still have one of my jobs) and I come home, do the minimum such as take care of my chickens cats and dogs. Then I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. My heart hurts. I feel like I am dying. It’s grief of course, for Zane, who died suddenly and unexpectedly August 22 of this year.

At the same time I have lost my job. I took care of Zane for about four years. I also take care of Mac, another special needs young man.

So I have lost my main job, my job with Zane, which is a crisis in itself. It’s hard to make decisions when you’re grieving and it’s not the best time to do it. However, I don’t have time to do this any other way.

I really love working with special needs young people. I seem to have a knack especially with those who are nonverbal. It is a calling I believe, to do this work. It’s a work that is love. It means a lot to me.

I interviewed with a new family. It went very well and they would love me to come work for them. I liked them too. I said I would let them know in a day or two. Then I cried in the car and had to go over and hug Zane’s mom. We sat on the couch and talked for a while about Zane, about things. Her loss is so great I had to stop typing for a few seconds just now thinking of it. I feel guilty talking about my own grief but I can’t help it.

When my mom got restless or had a problem she needed to think about, she re-arranged the furniture and cleaned madly. Sometimes she pulled up carpet or made new curtains and painted the living room to match. I’m not good at sewing. I don’t have money for paint. So I stuck with re-arranging the furniture and cleaning madly.

I talked to my friend Shawna who somehow manages to give me clarity when I need it. I continued to clean madly. My dogs were a little concerned.

I thought about how I am worried about the pay for a prospective new job which is far less than I made at my last. I wondered how I would pay the mortgage now. I finally got a house and I am not giving it up. I was thinking about what to do about that.

However the main issue is grief. It’s hard for me to think of replacing Zane and trying to love someone new already. I reflect that I have never failed to love anyone I have taken care of. In the nursing home where I did my clinicals there is no way to really get to know the people you care for. You take care of their immediate physical needs and even if they’re crying or something you have ten other patients you have to get to who need to be changed or whatever. Even then I always cared for each one in a loving way as best I could. That’s just how I do it. I can do this.

I have a daughter in college. I will do whatever I can to make sure she gets as far with her education as she wants to. She is busy applying for master’s programs lately. No matter what she is going. My other daughter has been going through hell this summer. It’s pretty unimaginable the way she is holding it together. However she needs me. Sometimes she needs my help. I’m going to be here ready.

If there is anything in my life I have learned to do it’s grieve and fight for my family at the same time.

I can work out the pay part somehow but I prayed about my next person to take care of. I think this could be the one I asked for or was led to. . I think I will try it and do my best.

The dogs needn’t worry. I think I am through cleaning for now.

OK, Beloved Lord. Lead on.

O Brother where art thou

I did not cry for nine years after you self destructed like a kamikaze in our midst. There are not even any pieces left to sort through. Where did you go and why couldn’t I stop you. We were closer than close and I should have known when you locked me out what was coming. We always said when we didn’t spend time together neither of us was right in ourselves so we should always make sure to connect no matter what was going on. You kept trying to apologize, trying to come back into our front porch days. You said “When I hurt you I hurt me and I can’t stand that I hurt your feelings. I hate that.” And I always said it was ok. I said we can work through anything just like we always have. I had faith in that. Absolute faith. How crazy did you have to be for me to not be surprised. Denial is more powerful than I ever thought. When you said “I’m scared I might be mentally ill,” I should not have reassured you that you weren’t. The last time I saw you I hugged you brother and I rubbed your little head. You looked like a small boy that day who had been sick, safe at his parents’ dinner table. Your letter to Dad said I would be OK. Well I’m not. None of us are. You must have hurt so badly to do something like that. You just needed it to stop. I thought oh he will be back like always. He just needs to think. I was so close. But I think you thought we were far away and you had no idea how to get back. You couldn’t find us. And you thought we couldn’t help. I finally cried the other night and it was about something else. It felt weird. It didn’t last long. I wish I could miss you the way I miss everyone else. But there is just a void where you used to be. Like the Mariana Trench. No one knows what’s down there, only how unfathomably deep it must be. I’ve been there. But I couldn’t understand anything.





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